“I don’t just want to exist; I want to live.” These are the words that a friend of mine expressed over a quick lunch we grabbed the other day. I’ve held onto these words with a peculiar resonation, almost as if trying to make them the emblem of how I approach my future. The statement arose after debriefing our stressful days, discussing the daily anxieties of school, and the pressure to be over-involved. We discussed the systematic (and symptomatic) pressure of being token perfectionists and sometimes being involved in more than we can handle. Even with school, an internship, volunteering (etc.), I always feel as though I could be doing more. Up until this conversation we had, I was starting to get down on myself that I wasn’t doing enough.

This sweet friend of mine then brought up the point that I have been fixated on ever since; It has had a greater impact on my life than she could possibly know. She explained what a dreadful feeling it is to feel as though you’re so over-involved, stressed, overwhelmed, over consumed; to feel that you’re just existing. She had been in that position before, and this is the position I often put myself in. I am involved in plenty to keep me almost constantly busy, and I was still trying to stretch myself to be involved in more. I was leading myself down the rabbit hole of existence.

It wouldn’t take intense scientific experimentation to prove my hypothesis that about 99% of other college students are in that same place right now. It’s a system that calibrates a mundane schedule of required ‘daily motions’ and stress. We become products of this pressure, feeding into the idea that involving ourselves in enough things to fill a 10 page resume will “pay off in the future”. As a disclaimer: yes, I know a resume is one page 😉 We think that if we just ‘hang tight’ and ‘suffer through’ insane amounts of stress now, we will be happy in the future once we achieve our [misconstrued and convoluted] idea of what real success is. Everything is oriented as preparation for the future, and I am sick of feeding into that cycle.

I want to be able to enjoy each step of the way, to not let some ‘schedule’ become my identity. I am a lover of adventure, of nature, spontaneity, crafting, reading, writing, baking, laughing, talking, family, friends, traveling, exploring, learning, and life. A lot of which I have recently lost sight of. I want to indulge myself in these higher pleasures that life has to offer- the things that bring me majestic, genuine happiness. There are so many beautiful, adventurous, fun, wild, unsuspecting experiences that we can live- and I aim to experience as many as one person possibly can. I don’t want to just jam-pack my schedule until I don’t have time to ever do those things that I truly love. I want my days to be filled with smiles and memories, not ever-present eyebags and stress. Life is way too cool for that to consume all of my time, I mean REALLY!

That being said, college, and life in general, are unavoidably stress-inducing. This is a part of life that is necessary, but it shouldn’t be what consumes every inch of one’s being, it should be the precursor to life’s true rewards and a juxtaposition to true happiness. As a wise woman once told me (my beautiful mother), “90% of life is filled with the ‘have to’s’ (school, work, paying taxes, etc.) the other 10% is where the life-changing, everlasting, wonderful memories and experiences occur that make you realize what a fantastic thing life is.” I want to live that 10% to the fullest. I want to live for now and invigorate myself with the things I love. I don’t care if I diverge a little bit from some “direct path” to my future. This journey is the greatest part of it all and I refuse to throw that away for some future that isn’t even guaranteed. I am doing plenty for my future. I am enough. So cheers to a new journey, a journey of living, and never just existing!

Keep Smiling

Jenna