This post took nearly three months to create, pieced together slowly from various inspirations and nuggets of wisdom that have intersected in my life. My initial writing was galvanized by an extraordinarily talented writer, and personal friend, Kasey Altman. She wrote a blog post on the topic of identity (read here… seriously. Do it.). I immediately began crafting a post of my own, having some ideas I felt compelled to write by piggy-backing off Kasey’s insight. I typed out my thoughts, but my writing became forced and lackluster. I tried to avoid regurgitating a story that she already told (so eloquently, I might add), and I wasn’t succeeding. I put my laptop away, planning to return when I received clarity as to how I could add to the conversation in my own meaningful way. When that inspiration never came, I picked up my laptop regardless, trying to force a finish. It was mediocre and cheesy, so I decided to abandon it yet again.

Last night, I attended a Fearless Women’s Summit at my alma mater. A panel of fierce women told their stories of overcoming adversity, leading purposeful and love-filled lives, and accomplishing the undeniably hard, yet incredibly freeing experience of celebrating exactly who we are, fearlessly and unapologetically. This was a light bulb moment for me, as I recognized fear to be the missing piece of my identity story.

Personally, I’ve never really been an identity imposter. I don’t pretend to like things that I do not like or succumb to peer pressure situations often. But I certainly let fear dictate my identity in other ways, namely by cutting and pasting certain parts of myself into a version I think will be adequate in the eyes of the people by which I’m surrounded.

I caught myself in the act even today. I looked down at my obnoxiously girly nails, my brightly colored planner, my water cup filled with glitter, and a candle on my desk with the definition of “joy” on it. I thought, “Wow, I would never show this side of me to professors, to my employers, the people I play sports with, or any future grad school friends. They would never take me seriously.” HOLD UP! WAIT A MINUTE, SOMETHIN’ AIN’T RIGHT with this mindset!! As if my nail polish, optimism and embraced femininity dictate my intelligence, athleticism or ambition. It’s absurdly false that these aspects of identity can’t seem to coexist, yet it would be naïve to pretend that people wouldn’t forecast these exact assumptions and stereotypes, or that they won’t judge you if you disrupt the status quo.

Why does society promote the idea that we can’t be both smart and attractive or gentle and tenacious or sentimental and lawyerly?  The status quo of archetypes we are “allowed to be” is so ingrained in our minds that we often jam into prepackaged identity boxes because we want to be accepted and understood. The fear of judgment that accompanies pushing aside the status quo can be debilitating, and it is this exact fear that has dictated which shades of my identity I’ve shown to the world at different times. You know, like emphasizing my work ethic, diligence, and organization skills to my intellectual acquaintances, but not daring to admit how I also like to watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey and fight dragons with your 3-year-old cousins.

But here’s another truth that I learned last night: we can only set the world on absolute fire if we are fearlessly and unapologetically ourselves.

So instead of the incessant thought patterns that go something like this: “I definitely can’t tell my cool hipster friends that I like Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood, can I? If I act witty and vibrant in the classroom, people might not see my dedicated, ambitious side, so I’ll avoid that. I can’t powerfully debate with my peers with my watermelon-printed notebook in front of me because I’ll look like a joke. Maybe I’ll wear a little less makeup to this meeting so people know how smart I actually am. If I act too opinionated, men will think I’m a bitch, so I’ll take a neutral approach. If I’m sarcastic, people won’t understand that I’m also kind and extremely empathetic.”

My new mentality looks a little like this: I’m trashing the unwritten rule that I have to present a harmonious package to the world at any one specific time stamp.

I love Elton John AND Taylor Swift. I’ll wear hot pink nail polish AS I kick ass in a sprint race. I’ll rock make-up and a girly dress WHILE planning an offroading trip in my family’s four-wheeler. I’ll like country music AND be liberal. I’ll stand up for equality and human rights AND I’ll cry every time I watch the Notebook. I’ll be a creative, a visionary and an idealist AND still get A’s in Chemistry and Calculus. I can be light-hearted and sweet AND fiercely intense. I won’t take life too seriously AND I’ll have hours of heartfelt conversations with you. I’ll be a goofball AND love history, books, current events, and politics.

I can be both because I am both. I am all of these things and an exponential amount of other contradictions that perhaps not everyone has seen. We all are. Sure, there are contexts when it’s socially inappropriate to show the entire chameleon of ourselves, but when that’s not the case, I’m committed to embracing every shade of myself… because I’m so beyond ready to set the world on fire.

Keep Smiling,

Jen