When I was 19 years old, I started to understand the pressures of the world—the pressure to start figuring things out as an autonomous adult, and the pressure to make decisions that could seemingly alter the trajectory of my entire life. Dramatic, I know. But society loves to promote this idea that we have to figure things out. We have to point to achievement for approval, and if we haven’t quite achieved what we’re hoping to just yet, we should at least be able to point to our carefully crafted plans to get there. It was my sophomore year of college and I didn’t have my life destination or my plan. Lucky for me, I was fluttering in the buffer zone where society deemed it OK to still be “figuring things out.” I enjoyed maintaining the perspective of endless possibilities and truly did see the world as my oyster. I would find a destination, I always did. I wasn’t too worried about it…

That was until society’s egg timer rang like an ugly 5am wake-up call. Plans seemed to begin falling together for a lot of my peers by the end of sophomore year. Narratives of precise plans and dream careers were looming as the deadline to declare majors was rapidly approaching. Suddenly the “I have no friggin’ clue what I want to do with my life, but I’m hard-working, tenacious, optimistic and I’ll figure it out soon” mentality needed to be tossed out the window…stat. This egg timer had no snooze button and I was kicked out of the illusory buffer zone before I could even thank it for its hospitality.

Holy Guacamole. LET ME BACK IN, BUFFER ZONE. I didn’t have a plan. I always have a plan. I still didn’t even have a clue. DO I WANT TO SAVE THE WHALES? BE A SURGEON!? GO TO LAW SCHOOL!? BE A DOCUMENTARIAN? CUPCAKE BAKER!? END WORLD HUNGER?! CAN I DO ALL OF THESE AT ONCE!? THERE ARE SO MANY JOBS THAT I DON’T EVEN KNOW EXIST. WHAT ABOUT THOSE!? SO MUCH PRESSURE!! Oh, how the world feels like it’s going to crumble at 19 years old.

I had to declare my major, the first decision of my life that I made based on complete and utter uncertainty. I didn’t even like what I had declared, but it seemed like the “smart” decision. I was secretly holding out hope that people weren’t lying when they said, “most people’s careers don’t relate to their majors anyways.” I used this mentality to buy more time in concocting my destination and plan. (Suck it buffer zone! I didn’t need you, anyway!) But I began to lament the fact that I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do. I lamented how much easier it seemed for those who knew what career they wanted to pursue. I lamented the ease with which those folks could explain themselves to others, while also receiving praise for their clear plans. “Well I don’t know yet, but here are some of my ideas…” didn’t have the same eloquence as “I want to graduate, get my MBA, be an investment banker, and move up the corporate ladder.” I envied how smoothly those sentences rolled off my peers’ tongues, and I couldn’t wait to find my destination upon which I could curate my own personal elevator pitch- the pinnacle of an impressive, functioning adult.

I wanted the instant gratification of finding my destination. If I was too old to get a lollipop after a flu shot, I damn sure wanted this gold star sticker of adulthood. If I could just figure out who I wanted to be in life (the destination of ALL destinations), I imagined I would be at peace. I could pack up my tenacity and work-ethic in a suitcase, hop in my metaphorical Mustang (it’s red, thanks for asking) and navigate the freeways toward success. So I started researching, soul-searching, making appointments with career counselors, praying. I was relentless in figuring out which destination I would pursue.

She Needed Wide Open Spaces was conceived four years ago during this exact period of my life on one of those late nights spent thinking, worrying and stressing about an ambiguous future. I channeled my confusion and frustration into this blog, quite honestly wanting some reassurance. Months of uncertainty turned into years. I kept prolonging the deadline. The truth is, I was still searching for a destination up until (and after) the moment I walked across the stage and received my diploma. The months after graduation were filled with endless trials and tribulations, failures and changes of heart. It’s been confusing and uncertain, hopeless and chaotic. And more difficult than I’d even like to admit.

A lot has changed in the past four years, but one thing has remained the same: I still have no clue what I want to do with my life (okay, I have a little clue and I’ll write about it very soon), but not entirely. What has changed, though, is that I couldn’t be happier with that. I couldn’t be happier with ditching the destinations and embracing the ambiguity of life. I couldn’t be happier that I now adore my idealism and wide-eyed perspective of the future. I couldn’t be happier that I refuse to let the world dim my desire to squeeze every last lemon drop out of life. I couldn’t be happier that I’m not letting the status quo dictate my future. I couldn’t be happier that I fully plan on having at least 3 separate careers and writing a book and traveling the world, but also will be ok if life takes me on an even more fantastic ride that I couldn’t even dream up in my own imagination.

I ran my own anti-status quo race for a while. I needed to be isolated. I needed to take time to figure out myself, who I really want to be, what I value, and how I want to be remembered completely irrespective of others’ opinions and what looks cool on LinkedIn. I had a lot of vulnerable, pride shattering moments. A lot of moments of feeling pathetic and aimless and embarrassing. And I’m so grateful for that time for so many reasons.

I’m still figuring things out, and that is the key. I’m FIGURING out, not FIGURED out. I hope to spend the rest of my days figuring. Figuring along a destination-free journey. Because my new perspective is that destinations are an illusion, and even my 19-year-old self should have known this deep down. I’ve navigated to destinations before. In fact, I’ve arrived at a lot of my destinations, even. I’ve had those “this is it, I’m amazing!” moments. Those moments that feel so full of happiness, but are really just happiness conflated with pride. Achievement is amazing, and it is important for personal growth and for contributing our gifts to the greater good- but it is also fleeting, and self-worth should never be commensurate to something that is fleeting. Realizing that has truly made me the happiest I have ever been in my entire life, and it exudes from my soul like sunbeams. If you aren’t already exuding sunbeams, I hope this is a reminder that you’ll get there. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be, and you’re worthy of all good things in life. Stop chasing the illusion and trying to get life figured out. There’s so much beauty in the mystery.

Keep Smiling,

Jenna