Relaxation is not my forte. Relaxation is foreign and unfamiliar. Relaxation is a stranger to me.

I view relaxation as an ominous and intimidating beast. Ironic, I know, to associate the concept of relaxing, defined as “the state of being free from tension and anxiety,” as an experience that induces anxiety and fear. Don’t get me wrong, I wish I was best friends with relaxation. I wish I could invite her over for a cup of tea, embrace her with open arms, and let her hangout with me in silence like a lifelong best friend.

I’ve tried to become pals with relaxation- to invite her in for a visit and to test the waters of our friendship. I’ve been told she’s lovely, easygoing and always available, but I’m skeptical.

My relationship with relaxation is akin to carrying baggage from a past relationship. Like any relationship or friendship, relaxation requires a vulnerability that threatens to hurt me, just like it has before. Attempting to release anxious thoughts seems to multiply them. Pressing pause on productivity only increases the stress of how I could better be utilizing my time. Sitting still induces shaking, fidgeting, and a feeling of being trapped, in silence, with my own brain. Relaxation constantly threatens to undermine.

I enviously look at people who have a tight-knit relationship with relaxation. Do people actually relax, or does the phrase “I spent the weekend relaxing” hold the same meaning to everybody else as it does to me: attempting to do nothing while miserably experiencing endless mental circles until I find anything, absolutely anything to do to keep myself busy? That’s why I’ve never really pursued a relationship with relaxation. It’s simply easier for me to stay busy.

But it’s also exhausting.

I haven’t been sleeping well for the past few months, which has led me to revisit to idea of this friendship. Is it something that’s available to me? How do I get into relaxation’s inner circle? First impressions aren’t always accurate, right? Maybe I should give it another chance.

Personifying relaxation makes everything so much clearer to me. Much like any relationship or friendship, my relationship with relaxation takes patience and practice to evolve. It takes time to figure out how it can best fit into my life and nurture my soul. It’s a struggle through a two minute meditation that eventually turns into an easy 20 minute one. It’s watching portions of a movie until I can watch the whole thing and actually enjoy it. It’s practicing deep breathing until I have control over my thoughts. It’s doing “nothing” for 5 minutes, until my brain is able to do “nothing” alongside my body. It’s refocusing my attention towards gratitude until inner peace is achieved. It’s tapering a million thoughts per minute to 999,999 and then chipping away from there.

Developing this relationship with a complete stranger has been admittedly difficult. I’m forcing myself to be introspective, to slowly learn how to sit with my own thoughts and to not let them control me. To realize my flaws and accept them. That’s what inviting relaxation to pull up a chair gives me the chance to do. It’s a give and take- surrendering control and fear of my own mind, little by little, in exchange for brief moments of tranquility. Perhaps one day I’ll completely let my guard down and open up to the experience of relaxation. Perhaps I’ll actually get to know her, like a true friend, instead of just pretending to. Maybe we’ll even binge watch Netflix together, like the truest of friends. Until then, I’m enjoying getting to know this new acquaintance, and becoming less intimidated by her presence every time we get the chance to see each other.