It’s been a long year-and-a-half since I last took to the keyboard to blog. Sure, hobbies fall by the wayside when life gets busy– and a busy year it was indeed; I completed an awesome internship, started my last year of college, graduated college, traveled to a  bunch of cool places and of course stressed a whole heck of lot about my future, more so than I ever have before (and I’m a high-stress human). As easy as it is to “blame” the busy-ness of life as the reason I haven’t been blogging, that simply isn’t (entirely) true. So why haven’t I been blogging?

I stepped back from this platform for numerous reasons, the main one being that I really haven’t liked the trajectory of social media. Things have gotten faker- more proctored, disingenuous, and overtaken by influencers hoping to make a dime with sponsorship codes and overly edited photos. The perfectly doctored lives portrayed on Instagram (myself sometimes included) entirely lack the vulnerability that the world could really use more, not less of, right now. Even more of a reason for me to continue my story-telling, right? I didn’t exactly see it that way.

Accepting that this was the new landscape of the internet, I realized I didn’t fit the mold. I didn’t/still do not have any intention of being a professional blogger/influencer/whatever the kids call it these days. I worried that people would make inaccurate assumptions about me and think I was trying to be one of “those girls.” I don’t think that realm is entirely bad per se, but it just is NOT ME. I much prefer being vulnerable and indulging in the visibly imperfect to connect with people in a deep and real way. I previously loved being reflective and vulnerable on this blog in hopes to spread a little wisdom and joy to anyone who was willing to read. But I felt like I couldn’t do that on the internet anymore… and that feeling soon spilled over to my everyday life.

The world harshened me up a bit over the past couple of years as I began to recognize some of the negative realities of the world. I realized that people can be really, really mean, judgemental and prey on vulnerability at times (yes I already knew this, but seeing it in fruition is a different story). As someone who has steadfastly believed in the good, selfless nature of humankind, these newfound adult realizations shocked what some may see as the rose-colored-naivete, out of me.

I became fixated on preventing myself from becoming the prey, from getting hurt, from being my sensitive self who feels even shallow cuts very, very deeply. I put up a harsh exterior. I started to care too much about what people would think of me and of my intentions to blog. I put up walls in relationships and friendships. I made a lot more insecure, sarcastic comments than usual. I nailed the poker face amidst periods of intense anxiety, stress, insecurity, and uncertainty. I hated social media but continued to post pictures of the highlights of my life because I felt like that was the required status quo. I stopped blogging entirely.

Although I never experienced any negativity related to my writing, I became consumed with what people were perhaps thinking or saying without me knowing… and retreating into a life of more privacy closed the curtain on this potential outside judgment a bit more. I felt protected, safe and comforted inside my walls.

My fortress held steady for a while. Until it didn’t. I began to realize that with each layered wall, my identity was slowly being stripped away, until finally, the kingdom capitulated to my heart’s reality. A huge part of what makes me me is that I love making people joyful, I love connecting with them and I love spreading good things to the world (even if I can be a bit mushy and cliche at times). This blog was one way for me to do that, and that piece was now missing. If there’s one sure fire way to be unfulfilled or feel like something is missing from your life, it’s to live contrary to your identity or purpose. SUNBEAMS COMING DOWN FROM HEAVEN FOR THIS MAGICAL REALIZATION (I’m sure you’re thinking that I could have learned this the easy way by reading inspiring quotes on Pinterest, but I’ve probably already read them all and sometimes even the cliche-est of quotes don’t compare to learning lessons in real-time)!!!! If I shut myself off, if I curtail my vulnerability– a cornerstone of who I am– I can’t offer my unique gifts to the world. Let me tell ya, that’s no way to live.

Yes, there are horrible things in the world and people can be awful, and yada yada, but that shouldn’t dictate a life of fear. By the same token, life can’t be lived like the rose-colored glasses of Instagram. NO, it isn’t naive to try to exude joy in a “negative” world, nor is it selfish to share the tough moments of your life despite them paling in comparison to most of the world’s struggles. It took some eye-opening experiences over the past few months for me to concede to these realities… and to realize that it’s the PERFECT time to be blogging about something DIFFERENT.

Ingesting these realities also made me grasp what an extraordinary waste of time it is to live for others, or in fear of others, or to even give a flying frackerdoodle (my favorite made-up euphemism) what anyone else thinks. Breaking free from that is absolute freedom. You will feel like a real-life adult. You will feel like you can fly.

So that’s where I have been, and a small peek into where I am going. So what, exactly am I up to now? Well, fear and uncertainty of the future have been two common themes on my adulting journey so far, but I will say that there are some exciting opportunities right around the corner 😉 I will be blogging about them soon.

What I do know for sure is that blogging Jenna is back.

Keep smiling y’all,

Jen

A few gems for the spirit of being extra vulnerable and keepin’ it real.